It’s gonna be how it’s gonna be

I very often say to myself: “its gonna be how its gonna be” meaning i don’t care anymore, let’s just see.

This is a general way my mind works. When programming i dont really analyze the code i just compile and just see if it works. I’m never sure. Just like i said in one of the last posts – I’m not sure about things (although different thing was mentioned). Or generally before a stressful activity. This numbs my brain, it goes into whatever mode and i think i perform worse. It’s like i dont even try. I accepted the failure. I guess i see the positive that this makes me a little less stressful, but im not sure. For sure i’d like to perform better.

I think it boils down to the fact that i’m not confident. I very often repeat “i didn’t prepare enough” or “its no surprise”. On the other hand I feel like i put a lot of energy into preparing. But its rushed and not consistent. I don’t really plan. I go with the “flow”. I say “its gonna be how its gonna be”. I do what i feel like. I’m not disciplined. I think that’s a defence mechanism for me to never say i’m stupid. Although i hope i’m not, and the environment around me says im not, i worry about this. I fail so often.

To all the time i’ve lost

I often justify doom scrolling / youtube watching by the need that to be able to do something mindless so i can do something hard later. But i lose this time. I would like to minimize the time im not thinking.

Thinking - real thinking by analyzing my reasoning - its beneficient. Thinking like just thinking without putting anything down is not. Analyzing mistakes is the only way we improve. We were thought by teachers in school that to help someone (eg in school) you shouldnt just give the answer, but let them think and correct their reasoning. Currently i find myself not analyzing my reasoning, but just giving it to the chat so it can say im wrong or right. In this way its generally faster to finish, it teaches me what is the correct result, what to use etc, but it doesnt let me think from start to end. I really feel affected by the ai making us dumber pheonmena.

I think thats just a lie ive been telling myself that i cant think all the time. It’s hard but it’s not impossible and the only way im actually actively being alive.

Also i sometimes feel like my time is worthless so i dont have to manage it or worry about wasting it. Its a confidence issue i guess.

Brutaly Honest

I can go two ways each time i fail. Go on or accept defeat. I always go on. It’s time to analyze my mistakes and correct myself to finally succeed and go on. I can get good, i believe it. My time is important. I’m giving it a full go.

The most important thing is that failing is not to have a laugh. I have to take it more seriously. It’s something to notice. I got to react.

My university level math is not something for geniuses. The plan is designed to be accessible by a lot of students. I see that myself - some people have sparse knowledge about the class but pass it. Professors usually accept that students have it hard. But its now time to take it seriously. You just have to to do what it takes.